I’ve been searching for whatever is behind this whole life, universe and everything, for a long time now – since teenage years – which is a long time now!
I’m a qualified Spiritual Counsellor and Soul Plan Reader. Soul Plan Readings are accurate and transformative, they help to highlight the barriers that hide from our view the truth of our very being, as well as the gifts we have to offer.
I’ve travelled many paths, religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Akram Vignan), personal development practices (Landmark Education courses, Silva Mind Control, new age workshops, Diksha, others) and many more things besides. I’ve read / studied Jiddu Krishnamurti, Ramana Maharishi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Papaji, Osho, Anandamayi Ma, Stuart Wilde, Buddha, Paul Brunton, others.
The really conscious journey however began just about 11 years ago when worldly roles and self-definitions that we usually don’t question, lost their grip on me.
Here’s a bit more detail about how this all happened…
I was off work and changing career direction. Due to various circumstances – as life doles up to us at times – I found myself pretty emotionally challenged, and a whole new inner journey started for me that had its roots in my childhood (as it always does) through emotional clearing, but then proceeded to take me into spiritual waters that my innate cynicism and intellect could only bow and surrender to.
Alongside great emotional letting go (it was like there was no choice in this respect, when we suppress so much we can be sure that one day it’s going to pop up and say hello), an almost tangible sense of nothingess / emptiness / void settled in my belly for some weeks. I had no idea what this was, and thought I was going a bit mad! Ihad no knowledge of spiritual awakening at that point.
Simultaneously I experienced a distance between the person I had known myself to be and the perception of that person that was now arising. This perception had little content, it was an emptiness.
It was undefined, unrestricted and could not really be contained in my mind’s understanding. The strong values, culture, self-definitions, beliefs and worldly values I had so eagerly defended in the past had suddenly disappeared as if in a puff of smoke. They had lost their worth and worthiness of being defended.
The whole thing was very unnerving as I had no familiar reference point to comfort me. I started surfing the net for any sort of explanation for this sense of nothingness / void. I found others were having similar experiences. That was encouraging! Some even mentioned the word ‘nothingness’ and ‘void.’ It was as I read these things that I found words for my own experiences.
There was one pivotal experience which profoundly changed me. One night, I was feeling elated with all that had occurred on this spiritual plane, yet there was still suffering – human loneliness that had not subsided despite the journey that I had so far had. At the same time, there was an insatiable longing for something, a deep, primordial type yearning. I sat on my bed and prayed for truth to be shown to me in my dream that night. I needed to know, not just to intellectually understand Truth. I knew that had I achieved every single thing people generally spend their energy on aiming for – fame, wealth, beauty, relationships, power, approval, success – I still would not be satisfied and would need to know the truth about life.
That same night I received my answer in a dream that became physical and continued as I awoke. My 3rd eye was pulsating physically to a beat that had been going on in the dream I had been having. In these moments, I lay as if transfixed engulfed in a sort of Presence. This Supreme Intelligence answered my exhortation before going to sleep and blessed me with this transformative experience. This Presence was actively interested but also impartial. There was no doubting the fact that I was not alone in those moments. I was being shown something – the Truth of the universe which was Itself.
The morning after thst experience, everything just seemed different, fresher. I saw my kids when they awoke as if they had been away for weeks, they looked so fresh as only kids can. I noticed the birds in the garden fully for the first time. I felt awe and bliss. I felt gratitude. I felt love. I felt connected to all. I also felt emotionally lighter, so much internal heaviness, loneliness and turmoil had gone. The absence of the old Reena was amazing, wonderful, and was freedom. I also noticed I no longer felt the same old loneliness, but had grown to love aloneness.
Since then I have found that emotional patterns and egoic thinking have come up again and again to be cleared, and life is by no means suddenly bliss, bliss and more bliss. I guess it is as if, without an ego that one is so very attached to, one is more present to life and what occurs, and as such one’s sensitivities are more finely attuned to what is.
This makes life more blissful yet also more intense in many ways.
Seeking is no longer a major feature of my life, except when looking up something specific. Now I love silence. I felt a great sense of expansiveness and connectedness with nature, animals, and also others. Realization after realization was occurring at a rapid pace. It was like I knew so much and not of my own doing, but Knowledge just arose. We are all wise beings, it is just hidden a lot of the time! I found myself existing more in a space beyond the Reena / person / individual I had known myself to be – it was freedom. An ever present (almost!) awareness (of my awareness) was there and has not left. I resonate strongly with what Nisargadatta Maharaj said in this regard:
” The present “I am” is as false as the “I was” and “I shall be.” It is merely an idea in the mind, an impression left by memory, and the separate identity it creates is false. This habit of referring to a false center must be done away with; the notion “I see,” “I feel,””I think,” “I do,” must disappear from the field of consciousness; what remains when the false is no more is real.”
Later he adds, “you need not chase the “I am” to kill it. You cannot. All you need is a sincere longing for reality. We call it atmabhakti, the love of the Supreme, or moksha-sankalpa, the determination to be free from the false. Without love and the will inspired by love, nothing can be done. Merely talking about Reality without doing anything about it is self-defeating.
There must be love in the relation between the person who says “I am” and the observer of that “I am.” As long as the observer, the inner self, the “higher” self considers himself apart from the observed, the “lower” self despises it and condemns it, the situation is hopeless. It is only when the observer (vyakta) accepts the person (vyakti) as a projection or manifestation of himself, and, so to say, takes the self into the Self, the duality of “I” and “this” goes and in the identity of the outer and the inner, the Supreme Reality manifests itself.
This union of the seer and the seen happens when the seer becomes conscious of himself as the seer; he is not merely interested in the seen, which he is anyhow, but also interested in being interested, giving attention to attention, aware of being aware. Affectionate awareness is the crucial factor that brings Reality into focus.”
It’s the becoming aware of the fact that we are aware beings, and to allow this sensitivity to gently arise.
Things just shifted in leaps and bounds energetically from that time. My outer life changed too. My diet changed for eg – one day I suddenly work up and found myself no longer able to eat meat or fish again! It was 9/9/9. I believe that day had special energies vortexes opening up helped along by the numbers 9/9/9 – there is much to be said for numbers in the universe.
We are already That which we seek.
Update June 2018: the journey I describe above is the first dark night of the soul and subsequent spiritual awakening. I am currently starting to come out of the second dark night of the soul into a deeper awakening. I will be changing this site at some point to reflect these two topics which are my primary interest.